June 17, 2009

Teenagers: What have we done to deserve this?

Is it just me, or are the teenagers today scarier than when we were fifteen? I seem to remember “please,” “thank you,” and respect for others to be a requirement when I was growing up. Today, teenagers seem to be able to talk to their parents with a level of disrespect that shouldn’t be cast on a dog.
I remember growing up, and my parents were horrified by my music, my clothes, and everything else I felt was the expression of “me.” But there was never a time when (outside of my vivid imagination) I disrespected them, at least not publically.
I’ve studied this sociological phenomenon and have come to what I feel is the only viable conclusion; it’s our own fault.
Who else can we blame for this? We’re the ones who allow them to run the streets without knowing where they are or when they’re going to be home. We’re the ones who didn’t give them the necessary guidance and discipline that our parents (at least the ones I grew up with) gave to us.
And we are the ones who, for whatever reason, can’t find the nerve to say “it’s my T.V. and I’ll tell you when and what you’re going to watch.”
Our lives have become so centered on our careers that we’ve neglected to teach the very values we desire our teenagers to adhere to.
I have a teenager. He’s the average sixteen-year-old going on thirty. Like all parents, I’m at a loss to explain where he got the vast knowledge of a lifetime in just sixteen years. He seems to know everything there is to know about everything there is to know. It’s amazing to me. I haven’t got that much knowledge or life experience and I’m in my fifties.
So where do we go from here? The “it’s too late” syndrome I keep hearing from other parents doesn’t work for me. I don’t think it’s too late. I think that if we snatch them back to reality and strap them down for a while, we might be able to repair some of the damage done by our past failure to be the parents.
First, we need to tell them who’s in charge. Now I’m sure some of you are now imagining your kid going berserk because you had the unmitigated gall to think you could actually control them. But, you have to get past that and be firm.
They need to know that we, the parents, are the ones who set the limits. Of course, if you set the limits too far in the teenager’s favor, then whatever happens is your own doing.
If they’re twelve years old, they need to be in the house by dark and, unless you live in Alaska, that’s about six o’clock. If they’re ten years old, they have no business going to a Metal, Grunge, or other concert with three of their friends who are the same age.
Second, when your teenager is talking to you like you’re dirt on their shoes, it’s always a good idea to remind them who bought the shoes. Unless your teen has a good job, pretty much all of their clothes, shoes, toys, computers, I-pods and assorted other out-of-pocket expenses they enjoy comes out of your pocket — not theirs. So, when they decide that they’re old enough to talk to you like an adult, remind them that they can get a job to replace all of the things that you just took from their room. (It’s only their room because YOU let them sleep there).
Third, you cannot possibly hope to win the battle by restricting them to wearing what they want only at home. But you can tell them that if they want to go out in public they will dress at least to a point where they don’t look like they’ve just been mugged. That doesn’t mean they have to give up the torn jeans, the Nirvana T-shirt with three holes in the back, or the tennis shoes that are held together by whatever. It just means that a bath and a good laundry are better than the alternative, right?
Finally, there are no greater teachers than experience and example. They should experience being fired from a job because they were too busy texting their friend to concentrate on the task at hand. They should experience rejection because they have green hair, black makeup, black fingernails — and they’re a boy. But better than that, they’ll get their greatest lessons from you.
If you drink at home in front of them with no concern for their image of you, don’t be horrified that they come home drunk as a skunk from the party they told you was a study session. If you do drugs at home in front of them with the idea that you’re an adult, they’re the kids, and they should do what you say — not what you do, don’t be surprised or shocked that they’re doing drugs. And, if you disrespect everyone, if you’re a bigot and racist, they’ll be just like you. Think about it.